Just a few days ago, this wall was filled with family photos, and now, the last sign that remains is the one above that states, "You are my Home."
I bought it right after we moved to California as a reminder that my husband and my kids are what make our house a home.
That being said, we are moving...again...
I'm excited, confused, sad, and frustrated all at the same time, but I've been through enough seasons to know that at the end of the day, it's not about what I want...it's about what God wants.
Let me back up...
Corey and I have been married for almost seven years.
About six months before we got married, I found out I was pregnant (more on that in Come To the Table).
When we got married, we lived with my parents for about one and a half years until we graduated college, and then one year after. Then I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, Liberty Rose, just before we moved into our new home. I was working as a nurse full time, and Corey was working a job that had absolutely nothing to do with his degree.
Wow that's a lot.
Anyways, I should have seen my first pregnancy, early marriage, and Corey's career shift as the first three signs that no matter how hard I try to plan, control, and manipulate my circumstances to fit my own selfish agenda, that's not how life works.
As time went on, Corey's job required more and more traveling, and while he absolutely loved it, he was gone a lot. So, we began to discuss options for him to be home more because we had two young kids, a new house, and I was also working.
You know the saying, "I plan, and God laughs?"
Well, Corey did end up switching jobs because he could not pass up the opportunity. He began working for a different branch of the same company, but in Southern California. Yes, that's right, he moved to Southern California without us. While we knew this would be temporary, this was still a very trying season. I stayed back with the kids to pack and sell our home, continue to work, and move back in with my parents. Corey came to Ohio to visit every six weeks or so.
This went on for about six months. Initially the plan was to keep this going for about two years, but my heart and our family really struggled emotionally through this season so to make a long story short, after about six months, I quit my job, packed the kids and I up, and off we moved to California to be a family again.
The move was scary, but it was also exciting. Our hearts were content as we were finally a family again. For about the first two years, I was unsure of how long we would stay, so I naturally held back from making any meaningful relationships. That last sentence alone could be an entire blog post, and it likely will be in the future, but anyone who moves every couple years can probably relate to this. In my mind, I would think, "We don't know how long we are staying, so theres no point in getting close to people only to leave again. I will wait until our future is more clear."
Well, after about two more years, we fell more and more in love with California and the idea of raising our family here. We were planning to buy or at least be part owners of the business we were running, and so my heart finally began to feel comfortable allowing my kids to get attached to friends, rooted in school, set on the idea of a church family, and Corey and I actively began to try and make friends. California began to feel even more like home, and for the first time in years, I began to feel settled. I began to see my future, and my kids, and where they would grow up. I felt at peace.
In mid 2018, a number of things took place. The life that Corey and I had just begun to feel like we were in control of started slowly slipping out of our grasp. It seemed the tighter we clenched on to the ideals that we had in our minds, the more those things were being ripped out of our reality.
If I'm being completely honest, I began to respond like a toddler looking for his woobie (blanky). I was angry. I was angry at Corey, angry at God, and angry at everyone around me that had to do with the things that looking back in retrospect, no one could control.
With each passing day, our future in California began to diminish, and our life's roadmap looked like it was being re-routed to Ohio.
My internal dialogue thought things like,
"Why God, why are you doing this?! Just as we are settling, and finding contentment, consistency, comfort, and friends, you shake everything up and ruin it for us? We are happy here, and I'm not leaving."
I fought it. I fought with Corey, I fought with myself, and I fought with God.
If you watch in our YouTube video, you will hear the story about our house. Our house stayed for sale for nearly a year, and then ended up selling two weeks before we said we were moving back to Ohio. I will keep that short here, but check out the video.
The more I fought it, the more things like that began to happen. So, I started praying for God to either change my heart, or show us some sign that we should stay. The house selling was the final sign that despite what we wanted, God was leading us to Ohio.
So here were are. We are moving to Ohio. Our official announcement on social media is here.
Honestly, my heart has changed. I am growing more excited every day, but I'm still sad to be leaving. But you know what? Even if I was completely set on California (some days I am), I'm still going to obey.
More than even my heart needs to settle. I need friends. I need routine. I need to know my kids will have childhood memories in one house rather than a thousand random ones. I don't want to screw them up. I want them to stay here. I want to stay here.
But that's not what God wants for us. We are yearning to get rooted, and He is screaming "Pack Up and Go." As much as it kills me to accept that, I will obey.
I so desperately want life to go my way, but it's not, and when I think about it more, I can't help but be okay with that. I have lived in many seasons to know better than to fight God for what I think I want. I am learning that when I get that nudge from Him to go, I should. Maybe He is protecting us from something. Maybe He has bigger opportunities for us to walk into, or maybe He just wants us in Ohio for some reason that we will never know.
Right now, I can't make total sense of this move, but I know and Corey knows in the depths of our souls that this is what God is calling us to do, so we are going to do it.
I don't have anything super profound. I don't have any miracles, or answers. All I know is that God is saying "Go," so we're going.
And if there's anything I hope you take away from this, it's that I hope this gives you the courage to do the same.
If you're feeling unsettled, pray. Hard.
Pray for God to give you clarity. Pray for him to give you answers. Pray for his will, even if it's the total opposite of what you want. And be honest with yourself.
Are you following your own selfish agenda, or are you following God's will for your life?
Life may not be going my way, but it's going God's way. I don't have to be happy about it, but I do have to obey. When I obey I know I can give it all to Him, because my circumstances are in His hands. When I give it to Him, I can rest assured knowing that even when things don't make sense, I am not fighting His will, but allowing it. And I'd much rather things not make sense and know that it's God's will, than to know that my life is in shambles due to my own selfish agenda.
Whether it be a cross country move, a relationship that needs mending, a job change, or anything else, follow His will.
Jeremiah 29:11
No comments
Post a Comment